When You Want the Antiracism Cookie
On perfectionism and trying to get antiracism "right."
"I have to remind myself that I don't need the cookie," someone at my old job said once, during a group discussion about antiracism. "Even though I'm someone who really wants the cookie." She had heard the concept at a racial-equity-related gathering she had attended and it clicked.
I understood immediately. I wanted the antiracism cookie too: the pat on the head, a reward for a job well done, public acknowledgement that I've learned, that I'm doing things "right." The cookie can be a compliment from a person whose activism I admire. It can be a comment that makes it clear I am not like "them," the people who are performative in their beliefs. As an Asian person, it can be approval and inclusion from non-Asian people of color, a sign that I'm good enough, I'm intersectional enough, and doggone it, people like me!1
It's all so silly written out, isn't it? Yet that yearning for approval is something a lot of us experience as we move from a mindset of mastery to one of humility, vulnerability, and lifelong learning.Â
…But even that sounds too elegant. What I mean is a mindset of experiencing occasional humiliation, owning up to your mistakes even when it's painful, and being wrong more than you are right. It's not easy, when you are used to being right.
For me, seeking outside approval is directly related to my perfectionism2, which is of course a characteristic found in Tema Okun's and Kenneth Jones's article on White Supremacy Culture:
White supremacy culture uses perfectionism to preserve power and the status quo. As long as we are striving to be perfect according to someone else's rules, we have less energy and attention to question those rules and to remember what is truly important….
And here's the main point; we are already perfect. We are made perfect. We do not have to prove our perfection to anyone, even to ourselves (no matter what our inner voices may be telling us). We may have lost touch with how perfect we are and when we do, our perfectionism becomes a way to try and prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy. But we are already worthy. We are already invaluable. No proof necessary. ​
That's it for me. My perfectionism — almost always pointed internally, expecting it from myself more than others — is usually a shield that keeps me safe from shame and humiliation. If I am perfect, then I cannot be criticized; no one can see my weaknesses. But committing to antiracism, and to an anti-oppression mindset more generally, means I will make huge, humiliating mistakes sometimes, as I slowly awaken to the vastness of the world and how others experience it, compared to the tiny pinhole that is my personal experience. My perfectionism hates that, and kicks up in an attempt to fight back. I am worthy! it says. Tell me, show me, I need proof!
When I have these moments, I find it most helpful to just shut up. If you know me, you know I am not loud, but sometimes my need for acknowledgement feels loud inside. Quiet that. Stop trying to prove whatever it is my perfectionism is dying to prove. (She's the girl raising her hand desperately, Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer!) Enough.
I try to slow down and connect. I rarely feel I have something to prove to people who know me well, because they know me, and (usually) I know they find me worthy. No proof necessary.
I can't rush the process of building trust and connection, but when it's there, it's so much better than the cookie. It's the reward of safety, love, and community care — and maybe what makes it so good is that it's not all about me.
Writing this led me down a brief hole of watching Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley videos and — was Stuart Smalley the original Instagram life coach?? "Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist…" Someone turn his one-liners into a fake Instagram account, please; they will go viral. Only the mediocre are always at their best. And: Fear is a dark room where negatives get developed.
Can completely relate. I think a lot of us drawn to nutrition and dietetics are perfectionists. I've also learned to be quieter and listen - it's been hard and a continued work in progress. You make such a good point about the need to be acknowledge for getting something right. I especially LOVED the Stuart Smalley video!
Every word of this. It's something that I feel gets mostly talked about privately, with trusted friends...or I just work out in silent battle with my inner voices, like you said...but so very affirming to see it written out here. Thank you, thank you.